Sometimes Unwanted Advice Is A Good Thing
Have you ever had someone give you a piece of advice that made you angry because it was correct? When Dean and I had been married for a couple of years, I confided in my MotherIn-Law about a very difficult relationship. I’m sure this was not the first time I had come to her because this issue was long-standing; and being young and dumb, I wanted to whine. But instead of allowing me to vent my frustrations, my Mother-In-Law wisely stopped me in midsentence and said: “There comes a time in a person’s life when we need to stop blaming others for our problems and take responsibility for ourselves. When we stand before God at the end of our lives, we stand alone, we answer for our actions and not the actions of others.” I remember snapping shut my open mouth and turning away from her to hide angry tears; I was sure she just didn’t understand! After all, I was the victim—or so I thought. I remained very quiet for the rest of our visit and let my frustration with her burn for a bit, but the truth of her words would not leave me alone. Her jarring words were true and I felt ashamed of my attitude. Today, I am very thankful that my mother-in-law loved me enough to tell me the truth because those well-placed words set me on a course to try to understand how to grow up.
Over the next many years, I spent a lot of time learning about how to have healthy relationships and sought out Christian counseling so I could better understand where my thinking was broken. The insight and self-knowledge were helpful, but it didn’t completely equip me for navigating this relationship because there was that little thing missing called application. I didn’t know how to apply what I was learning. I still struggled with my thoughts, feelings, and attitudes and didn’t know how to keep them from affecting my behavior. What I needed more than knowledge was wisdom.
Proverbs 1:7 reads: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. And Proverbs 9:10 takes this a step further: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.” The word “fear” in these passages is what happens when we acknowledge God as the Lord Almighty, who created us, who is all-powerful, who sets and maintains the rules of the universe and reigns over all history in perfection. When we get this, we cannot help but understand how small we are. We also realize how stupid we are when we think God needs to act or think the way we want Him to. He is God and we are not. He sets the rules, we don’t get to. And all that He does is good and right. Getting this correct in our thinking brings us to worship God for who He is. Acknowledging our frailty and sinfulness makes us thankful for His mercy and willing to obey Him. This establishes the foundation of wisdom and informs the application.
Things became so much clearer for me when I understood this principle. How I behaved in relationships wasn’t about what I wanted out of them, or my feelings, but about how God wanted me to behave. When I am wronged, it is my responsibility to forgive and let God take care of working out the details of setting things right. It is my responsibility to treat others well, especially when I am disregarded. I don’t always do this well yet, but when I remember I will answer to God for my actions, it certainly causes me to think twice when tempted to give someone a piece of my mind. There is a difference between being right and being wise. The wisdom comes when I submit myself to God’s Lordship in carrying out the right thing if that is what He wants. It’s asking Him through each step of each interaction what He wants to do.
The last piece I needed to understand is that God is motivated by His love for me. Everything He allows in my life comes from that love. It’s hard to do the right thing wisely, especially when I let my feelings and wants be in control. These are impossible to sacrifice without His empowerment. But He is gracious to supply all I need to do what He asks and I can know the outcome will ultimately be good—even better than what I can imagine!
The difficult relationship I began with still exists. God, in His wisdom, has not changed the circumstances. However, He has given me a peace with it that I never expected. He has been and continues to be faithful to supply all my need so I can act in a way that honors Him. When I relate to this person out of my own ideas and feelings, the fruit is fleshly and it doesn’t go well. When I am obedient, the fruit is peace and righteousness.